Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
