Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
All the doctor said was why
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize