Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
