update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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