how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
