Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
