so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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