i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's official drugs can't kill me
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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