We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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