Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
