I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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