the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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