I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Do you still have your period?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
