sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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