Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
