I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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