I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize