Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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