How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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