guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
