You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
