I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
