Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
