she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
