Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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