i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
