he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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