it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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