hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
