Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Jerry, you need to find god
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
