Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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