I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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