Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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