I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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