sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
