we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
