I wanna bring you to show and tell
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Randomize
