then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Found your dick twin last night
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
