Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm eating all of the evidence.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
