I can text with my tongue
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
