I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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