Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
