You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
