Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
