i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize