Slut skills are useful in every country.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So many bounce houses so little time
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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