she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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