see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
