No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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