when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
