I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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