New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize