i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
