a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Two words: nipple clamps
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