I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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