Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
