i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
