There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm like, not good at living.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
