I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
