I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
