homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
