Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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