Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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