Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
