He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
