Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
