did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
