hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
