Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize