Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
