i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize